Romantic' Weekends Away
by LaxusPlayer
Summary: Laxus and Cana head off for a weekend away. But with stowaways, other couples and the duke of dickery, can Cana make this trip romantic or will it just turn into another one of her boyfriends pranks?


'Romantic' Weekends Away

_A/N: So Jude Morgenstern asked me to do a Laxana fic for a change and I figured that while it wasn't my preferred pairing, I can still get behind it. First time writing a lot about Cana so don't expect perfection though :P With that warning out of the way I hope you enjoy this. Thoughts are in italics. Here we go..._

"Ok so is everything packed?"

"Yes dad."

"And you have a large supply of clothes, food and water?"

"Yes dad..."

"A-and you decided to take the mace I put-..."

"Jesus dad get off my back!" Cana groaned and rolled her eyes at her father. "I'm a wizard too you know and a damned good one at that! Besides, I'm only going to a hotel for a weekend away with a few friends."

Gildarts sighed. "Well I missed protecting you all these years so I thought I'd..." He stopped, processing those last words. "...by friends you mean Mira right?"

Cana blushed. "Actually I meant more like..."

"LET'S GET THIS FUCKING HOLIDAY STARTED!"

Cana face palmed. "The Thunder Legion."

Freed ran over and clamped a hand over Bickslows mouth. "Shhh! It's supposed to be a quest you idiot?!"

Bickslow brushed his captain's hand off his face and shrugged. "Yeah yeah I know. 'Important questy business' and such. Where's Laxus anyways?"

"Laxus is going with you?" Gildarts quirked an eyebrow at his daughter. Cana nodded meekly and scanned the room for the muscular blonde. "Well at least you'll be well protected..."

"I see you're heading off now." Makarov popped his head out from the back door of the guild. "Good luck on your que-..." Noticing a distint lack of his Grandson, he began nervously looking around the guild hall. "W-w-where is he?"

A shadow moved from the back of the guild and Makao let out a shrill scream.

"N-now Laxus...you need to stop doing this..." The shadow kept moving in an indirect path towards the tiny man. "...I'm your Master! I demand your...OH GOD PLEASE STOP!"

The shadow vanished and the Thunder God appeared directly in front of Makarov with a flash. "I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" The guild master shrieked and fell through the door. Laxus fell over laughing as usual. "LAXUS I SWEAR TO GOD YOU'RE GOING TO DIE FOR THIS!"

"What was that all about?" Cana asked Freed.

"Well Master Laxus has decided that for his next trick he would instill fear into the heart of his Grandfather by visiting his room every night and every day at varying times to scare him."

"I see..." Cana looked at the quivering wreck on the floor. "And how long has this been going on for now?"

Bickslow thought for a moment. "Hmm...I'd say about three months now?"

"Three months and twelve days." Laxus corrected, straightening up. "I'm surprised you lasted this long Gramps. Have to say, I'm impressed."

"You bast-...I mean I...oh god..." The sleep deprivation and painful shocks had finally gotten to him and he broke down in tears. "Just go...for all that is holy...just go..."

Laxus bowed and turned on his heels. "You, Makao, on the other hand, are a pathetic shit. Pissing and crapping yourself after one encounter?! I'm surprised Romeo hasn't disowned you yet."

The fourth guild master just sat there still, whimpering on the floor. His son just shook is head, red with embarrassment and shame.

Laxus turned around and faced his holiday crew. "So Ever still can't make it then?"

Freed shook his head. "I have no idea where she is now but she said she'd be busy for the weekend." He shuffled over next to Cana and growled at her. "Just because you're coming doesn't mean you're special. Master Laxus is mine and mine alone! He and I share a type of love that is difficult for idiots like you to comprehend..."

"Ahh shut up Freed!" Bickslow groaned, taking his turn to clamp a hand over his friend's mouth. That done, he turned his head to look at the card mage. "So are you and Laxus gonna be fu-..." He caught sight of Gildarts behind her and stopped mid sentence. "...finding the neareast cafe for a nice friendly catch up as soon as we get there? I mean you and him haven't seen each other in a while, so I was wondering..."

Cana laughed as the doll magician continued to try and babble his way out of the grave he had just dug himself. "_Good question though; I wonder what he's got planned this time._"

As if reading her mind the Thunder God ran past them, yelling "Don't worry Cana I packed plenty of condoms!" before grabbing his bags and sprinting for the door. "C'mon guys time to leave! And Mr Gildarts..." He turned and winked at the older mage. "Don't expect your daughter home in one piece."

With that said the holiday makers pretty much flash stepped out of the five mile death zone they created. Makao, however, wasn't so lucky. What can I say; he's Gildarts favorite punching bag these days.

-_At the Hotel_-

"Ok so I guess we're sharing a room then."

The other three turned and looked at Laxus in horror at the four beds before them. It wasn't that they were bad beds; by any means they were made to the highest quality. Just they were all very...close together. As in they weren't separated by walls. Or doors. Just floor.

"Aaaaand no." Cana said, turning on her heels to leave. "You guys are cool but there's no way in hell I'm sleeping in the same room as you all."

"Agreed." Bickslow added and headed for the door also. They were of course blocked by Laxus who had a grin on his face that would rival the Cheshire Cat.

"Ah ah ah!" He tutted, waving his finger for added effect, "I hope there isn't a problem here. Because if there's a problem I'll be forced solve it."

"_Probably with your fists you psychotic bastard._" Cana thought and resigned herself to picking a bed. "I call dibs on the one beside the radiator then."

"Dibs on the one opposite Master Laxus!" Freed yelled, confirming his 'rightful' place in the world and the room.

"I'll take the one furthest away from yours and Cana's beds." Bickslow told Laxus and dumped his stuff on the bed nearest to him.

"Guess that leaves me the one by the..." The Thunder God stopped as he noticed an unusual bulge in his bag. "Wait...what the hell is that?!"

The bag itself was absolutely massive, almost as tall and wide as the man it belonged to, but it was never quite this full. In fact it was never full, Laxus just liked to take it everywhere so that it would inconvenience Freed who would have to carry it. Of course Freed never complained which was kind of a downer, but he made up for it in his feeble efforts to climb stairs every now and then. Walking over, the blonde hoisted it onto the bed and undid the zips to it, causing a small, blue haired girl to sprawl out onto the floor.

"M-M-Mr Laxus...I-I can explain..."

"Oh really?" He looked at her with sceptical eyes and automatically began scanning the rest of the hotel for familiar magic signatures. Sure enough, he found six very familiar ones in the hallway no less. A plan came to mind and he looked down at the girl and whispered. "If you play along with this I'll let you off." The girl nodded and he cleared his throat. "THIS IS IT WENDY! THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU CROSS ME AND LIVE! ROAR OF THE THUNDER DRAG-..."

Right on queue the entirety of Team Natsu rushed through the door and tackled the tall man to the ground.

"Laxus stop!" Natsu screamed, placing both his hands on the older man's mouth. The other three just stood there debating as to whether or not they were having a joint hallucination.

Laxus sat up and swatted his guild mates off him. "You've got ten seconds to explain before all of you get to say hi to the worms."

"Well, erm..." Lucy began then stopped, highly embarrassed of the plan they had set in place.

"Ahem." Erza stood up and prepared to announce their plan in as formal a matter as possible. "Well we have been planning on taking a holiday together for a few months now, but it was just two days ago that we discovered a terrible miscalculation!" The formal manner had dropped completely and Erza reverted to her dramatic story telling mode. "The shock! The horror! Poor Wendy did not have enough money to join us on this dazzling weekend away. 'Fear not Wendy!' I cried, taking action as a dazzling heroine should, 'I shall fund you on this one occasion!' The crisis had been averted we thought, but alas!..." Laxus sighed, regretting his decision to let them live. Cana and Freed however were by this point completely enthralled. "...and so the evil bank manager would not accept cakes as a currency, thwarting my noble intentions. The trip was ruined!"

Freed gasped. "What happened next Erza?!"

"They stuffed Wendy into my case, booked their holiday at the same hotel as us and prayed I wouldn't notice a tiny girl thrashing around in my luggage. Speaking of which what the hell?!"

Wendy shrugged. "Well your luggage was the only one big enough to hold me. Besides, Mr Freed was carrying it and he's very gentle with your things."

Laxus eyed his subordinate with a mixture of disbelief and pure hatred. "You failed to notice a four foot. Easily agitated. Very pointy eleven year old. Despite carrying the bag for over two hours..." It was official; Laxus was done with this shit. "Fuck it; beatings for everyone!"

"Even me?!" Bickslow asked surprised, not sure how this was his fault at all.

"Especially you..." Laxus said and cracked his knuckles. He was going to enjoy this way more than he should.

-Copious beatings later-

"Well I don't know about you guys, but I feel loads better after that."

The pile of bodies on the ground barely managed to moan in disagreement.

"You could've went easy on them..." Cana chided, the only person bar Laxus and Wendy still standing after that half hour of hurt.

"True but where's the fun in that?"

Gray tried to speak but ended up crying instead. Juvia would have been right on the scene to comfort him if she wasn't fighting to remain conscious herself. Natsu faired slightly better than the rest since Laxus went easy on the soft brained idiot, and so his one mostly-unbruised arm was able to comfort Lucy. Bickslow and Freed were smashed against the walls in two separate craters, both pleading for the pain to go away. Erza was just unconscious.

"So Mr Laxus..." Wendy began, stepping over the bodies, "Are you going to send me home?"

"And have these assholes rat me out?!" The Thunder God snorted. "No you idiots will have to stay I guess." Wendy's eyes lit up and she hugged her new best friend. "Kid...the fuck are you doing?"

"You're the best brother ever!" She cried and snuggled into his abs.

Rather than correct the girl, Laxus just let his hands drop down and return the hug. "_Damned kid's too cute for her own good._"

Cana looked at the pile and face palmed. "Now what genius?! You're going to have all these guys stay in the room opposite, Wendy included, while we...yeah."

Laxus began grinning. "Oh I'm sure they won't mind in the state they're in." His had slid up to the top of the wind mage's neck and he delivered a small chop, knocking the girl unconscious. He caught her body and lowered her gently to the floor before looking Cana in the eye with clear intent.

"What now?! Really? I mean I know its been a while but..."

She was silenced as a mouth covered hers and she was pushed against the wall. Their kisses were never exactly of a PG rating, but with everyone in the near vicinity in a near comatose state nobody was going to complain. Pulling away, Cana took his hand and skilfully led the blonde to the bed furthest away from the others. "So Mr Dragon Slayer, are you going to make me roar?"

Laxus pretty much lost it then. The rest I would write down but for Wendy's sake I won't. Suffice to say that she did indeed 'roar' quite a lot. The final outcome was three broken walls, two broken beds and one group of freshly traumatised Fairy Tail wizards. At the end Laxus stood up and admired his handiwork. "You know, its times like this when I realise just how awesome I actually am."

Cana would have disagreed with him but after that experience she was still struggling to form words apart from "oh god" and "yes". In fact the only response came from Bickslow; "Kill me..."

-_Lots of tidying up later_-

"So its kinda late guys so what do you want to do?"

"Lie down and never stand up again."

"Aww c'mon guys! We should go out for a meal somewhere."

"Oh really Cana?! How will we be able to do that when most of us can't fucking walk.?!"

"But everyone should get something to eat before we hit the bars."

"I think you and Laxus have already ate..."

Cana blushed and looked away. "I thought you were unconscious Erza."

The redhead, who was still bandaging her cuts, looked up at her. "Well I was sleeping until you woke me up..."

"So I wasn't just dreaming!" Everyone in the room jumped as Wendy poked her head out of the bathroom. They'd all decided to hang out in Team Natsu's room while Laxus 'helped' the hotel staff clean the other. "What was that noise?"

Cana's face suddenly turned a shade of red that surpassed Erza's hair. "Yeah Cana, what was that you guys were doing?" Had it been anyone else other than Natsu they would have been killed on the spot, but because the fire wizard was literally just that naive she let him off.

"Me and Laxus were just...wrestling..."

This puzzled Natsu even more. "Why did you keep screaming 'yes' then when you were losing? And what were all those noises you were making?"

"Yeah!" Wendy chipped in. "What were those noises?"

Cana by now had decided that death wasn't such a bad thing after all. "Those were...erm...techniques I was using. They make me grunt a lot."

Wendy still wasn't convinced but she dropped it. Natsu on the other hand was really intrigued. "Oh wow Cana I never thought you'd be able to fight Laxus on a level playing field! Can you teach me these moves?!"

The death glares from Lucy in the corner didn't help the terrible feeling of shame welling up inside Cana. Luckily Laxus walked in at this point with his usual greeting of "I hate all of you" and saved her from her fate.

"So what's the plan for tonight idiots?" He looked around at the now cowering figures in the room. "Oh come on; I didn't hit you guys that hard."

"Speak for yourself." Gray grumbled and adjusted the bandage round his head.

Laxus snorted. "Don't be a pussy pervert. So what is actually happening?"

Natsu was the first to chip in. "Well we could go grab something from the buffet downstairs? I mean I'm hungry and I need some good food if I'm gonna learn the wrestling that you and Cana were doing. It looked really fun and intense!"

Laxus blinked for a second before looking at Cana. As he made eye contact with the now crimson-faced brunette his face cracked into a grin. "Ohh really Natsu? Are you sure you're ready to learn yet?"

The pink haired teen nodded excitedly. "Yeah I am! I looks really difficult but I'm sure that if I practise enough with Cana I'll get the hang of it."

This caused the Thunder God to literally double over with laughter and everyone joined in, even Freed who had received the worst beating. Well bar Natsu and Wendy who wore their usual puzzled looks, Lucy who was glowering at everyone and Cana who had started heading towards the sharp objects to escape this horrible torment. At least she was until Laxus wrapped an arm around her as he finally stopped laughing. "Aha...sorry Natsu but this one's taken." Looking round the room he spotted Lucy and grinned evilly. "Besides, I'm pretty sure Lucy would be better suited to you."

It was the celestial wizard's turn to blush now as Natsu's gaze fell on her. "You can do it too Lucy? That's great! Well we should start practising right after we eat. I have a lot of catching up to do if I'm going to beat Laxus at this!"

Bickslow was crying with laughter by this point. "My god...just when you think it can't...ahahaha...get any better he...ahee...takes it to the next level!"

Feeling left out since she didn't get the joke, Wendy decided to try and actually push forward some plans for the group. "So the buffet closes soon..."

Immediately Natsu lost curiosity in this strange new fighting style. "The food's being taken away?! When? Where?"

"Ohh calm down Natsu..." Erza began before realising just exactly what cake was. "No...they would leave the cake out for people...r-right?" Wendy shrugged. "...EVERYONE; MEET OUTSIDE IN THE HALLWAY IN EXACTLY FIVE MINUTES!"

The guild members snapped to attention before rushing off to get changed for the occasion. Well bar Laxus of course. He just kinda strolled out of the room muttering "I guess it must be 'fuck this shit o'clock' once again".

-_At the dinner table_-

"I think you have some plate on your cake there Erza." Gray muttered before cowering in fear as she glared at him. "Geez! Can't I say one thing without being beaten?!"

"You can say anything you want to Master Gray..." Juvia said, attempting to snuggle into her boyfriend to comfort him. Of course this didn't work since they were on separate chairs and both of them ended up falling on their asses, but at least the sentiment was there.

As usual everyone laughed at them with the exception of the unusually quiet brunette on the corner of the table looking at the door for the millionth time that hour. "_Christ where is he?! I mean I know he went away to get a dig in at Erza but this is just ridiculous!_"

As if he'd read her thoughts Laxus strolled into the room with his trademark grin. "Such losers. So you done with your meal yet?"

"Actually Laxus we're just starting to-..."

"Fantastic, now lets go. I have something you're all gonna want to see."

The group looked up warily at the outsider. This was usually a ploy that Laxus used to lead them into one of his crazy schemes which usually ended up in one or more of them being hospitalised while the others cried from shock and trauma. Hell if anyone fell for them after two tries they'd be an idiot. Three tries would just be insane...

"I shall come right away Master Laxus!" ...and then there's Freed.

Laxus grinned and mentally adjusted his count on Freed to one hundred and fifty. "_I better get him a present for this..._" He clapped his hands. "Actually I want all of you to come this time." Cana opened her mouth to protest until he added. "Especially you Cana."

Erza looked thoughtful. "...give us a minute here." The Thunder God shrugged and took a few steps back so he looked like he was out of earshot. Any normal person would have been at that range but he had trained himself over the years to hear things far away for the sole purpose of gaining information to screw people over. The group meanwhile huddled closely together, feeling safe in their hushed tones. "Reckon we can trust him?"

Freed snorted. "Of course we can trust Mast-..."

Bickslow gave his friend a sharp whack around the ear to shut him up. "After what happened last time, hell the fuck no." He shuddered as he remembered the infamous 'garden ornaments incident'.

"I think we should give him a shot." Everyone turned and looked at Cana who reacted by shrinking back into her chair. "He seemed genuine this time for a change is all..."

"I say we flip a coin." Gray proposed and the group agreed. "Heads we use our heads and don't trust him, tails we surrender ourselves to the wolves." Of course it landed on tails. "...shit. Best two out of three?"

"We're coming Mr Laxus!" Wendy jumped up and ran to the tall, still grinning man.

Erza looked sadly at her cake. "Goodbye fair princess. May a band of angels carry you to your...NATSU YOU DID NOT!" The fire mage had taken to trying to eat as much as he can as fast as he could before he was forced to leave, but had made the foolish mistake of touching Erza's plate instead of Cana's. Unexpectedly he was saved from his beating by an unusually kind act from the person nobody expected; Laxus.

"Here; I got you all food to eat while we walk." Reaching round the corner he pulled out three huge bags filled with snacks, chocolate and...

"CAKE!" Erza flash-stepped towards the bags and began devouring the confectioneries within them. The others however were somewhat more cautious, which made the Thunder God chuckle.

"Christ guys I only poisoned you all once and that was ages ago! Just eat and lets get going."

"That was last week you jerk..." Lucy mumbled but bravely dug into one of the bags and pulled out a lolly. Tentatively licking it, she rolled her tongue around her mouth before giving everyone a thumbs up. "It's clean guys!"

With a cheer everyone rushed forward and began a frenzied attack on the food. After procuring a couple of small pies and a reasonable pile of assorted sweets Cana stepped back and eyed her lover curiously. "Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?"

Laxus' grin widened. "Because I need my workers fit and healthy for the task ahead." Cana sighed. "_I knew he was up to something._" Then for the third time that night, he did something completely unexpected. "Besides; I can't have you being hungry now. What sort of guy would I be then?" Leaning down he snuck a soft kiss onto her cheek before leaving the now glowing girl to one side for the moment. "Right then idiots; time to get moving!"

The group zombie marched for about ten minutes whilst stuffing their faces before reaching their destination; a small cafe on the outskirts of the town.

"Erm Mr Laxus...why are we here?"

"Good question Wendy! Why are we here?" With his hand he directed his attention to the couple at the far end of the room.

"Holy shit that's...!"

Laxus clamped a hand over Cana's mouth and dragged the group back outside. "Indeed; Evergreen and Elfman are in the same town as us on what seems to be a romantic weekend away." You could practically see the evil oozing from his body. "So hands up; who wants to be part of the greatest screwing over of my career?!"

"Laxus!" Cana yelled and glared at him. "Isn't this a bit harsh?!"

"Bitch pulled a sickie for this..." Bickslow muttered. "Fuck it I'm in."

"As always Master I am your willing servant." Freed bowed to a chorus of "what a surprise". Not that he cared. The Master would be pleased with his efforts and that's all that mattered.

Gray looked at everyone else. "Flip a coin again?"

Cana spun round and glared at him. "Gray what the hell?! You should have my back on this! What would you do if someone screwed over your and Juvia's special weekend away?!"

Gray glared back. "Well if you recall correctly you assholes already did! I'll never get that image of that sixty year old stripper out of my head! In fact you know what Laxus; fuck the coin, I'm in!"

The blonde smiled. "Good. Let the hatred flow through you."

"Juvia will stick with Master Gray, and so you can count on me too!"

"I-I'll help to Mr Laxus."

Cana gasped. "Oh god Wendy, not you too?!"

Laxus cackled. "Excellent my young apprentice."

"STOP QUOTING STAR WARS YOU ASS!" She desperately looked to Natsu and Lucy for support. "You guys will say no...r-right?!"

Natsu shrugged. "Well actually I was gonna try that new technique that you and Laxus..."

"We're in!" Lucy yelled and Laxus started rubbing his hands together.

"One more for a full set. Come on Erza; you know you want to."

The redhead pondered it for a moment. "Will you give me a steady supply of cake for the next week?"

"For the next two days."

"...and you have to stop being mean to me for a month."

"I'll tell you your hair is pretty at a moment of my choosing."

"...and...erm...you have to polish my armour."

"Freed will do that after this is over."

"Then we have a deal good sir!" The two shook hands and Cana cried out in defeat.

"Am I the only person who has some moral decency around here?!"

Laxus looked at the enraged girl and laughed. "Well would it make you feel better if I told you that Ever thinks those leggings make your bum look big?"

Cana immediately stopped moaning and rushed over the the blonde, grabbing him by his shirt. "Tell me exactly what you want me to do and I'll do it. That bitch is dead to me!"

"That's my girl!" He pulled her in for a quick hug before straightening up, but not before he muttered "Now the circle is complete..." Cana gave him a glare and he cleared his throat. "Now attention failures and misfits; this plan is one that you're not going to fuck up unless you have a strong desire to meet your makers. We'll be pulling an all nighter so brace yourselves; dickery is coming!"

-_The following day_-

Elfman and Evergreen walked through the large iron gate of the castle without a care in the world. With the weekend going as well as it was, why should they have felt anything but anticipation for their tour? Last night Elfman had treated his 'work colleague' to a fancy meal in a posh resteraunt, a moonlight stroll and a bed full of roses. In return, Ever had treated him to something he'd been waiting for for quite a while now. Smiling at the thought of it, Elfman followed to tour guide to the final destination on their city tour; the haunted armoury.

"If you get scared Ever you can hold onto me." Elfman joked and put his arm round her.

"Just because you're a 'manly man'..." She rolled her eyes but took his arm. As they entered the room they noticed a sudden drop in temperature. "Jeez its cold! They really should put the heater on!"

The tour guide, who was also shivering, checked all of the radiators in the room only to find that they had mysteriously frozen over. "_But it's not even that cold and there's no snow outside..._"

A few groans came from various points in the room but the couple thought nothing of it. They loved horror tours purely because they found them hilarious. Having fought actual monsters on their quests, these imaginary ghosts that the media tried to produce were laughable to them.

"S-so..." The tour guide began, his teeth chattering, "Here is the haunted armoury. Here lies the armour of many a fallen soldier, mage and demon..."

"This looks so tacky." Elfman muttered to Ever.

"Yeah and you can even see the wires to move things about!" She snorted as she stifled a laugh.

Elfman looked around a bit more and spotted a few microphones hidden in various places. "This set up is dreadful! This wouldn't scare a child, much less a manly man like me!"

"Agreed." Ever said as the guide droned on about ancient wars and vampires. It wasn't until the fire magically came on that she started paying attention.

"Ohh look; I think they may have a fire wizard here!" Elfman exclaimed in excitement while everyone around him and his girlfriend screamed in horror. The tour guide feebly continued with his speech in the hopes of convincing everyone that this was part of the script, but the more and more the fire grew the more worried he got.

"You know what I think we're done here!" He stuttered then rushed to the door. By now it was of course mysteriously bolted from the inside somehow which caused the small person to absolutely lose his shit. Picking up his walkie talkie he screamed down the other then "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE?!". There was no reply. Well, at least not from them...

"Prepare your souls for the harvest!" Came a creepy voice and the group, who's eyes had been following the distraught man, spun round to found an animated suit of armour floating in the middle of the room. Everyone but the two Fairy Tail members screamed and fell to the floor.

"Ok Ever, maybe we underestimated this-..."

"You there!" The armour extended its hand and pointed to the fairy lady. "He knows!"

Ever frowned. "Ok, so assuming you're actually real and this is a haunting, who knows what?"

Maniacal laughter echoed from the room as the rest of the armour rose up to join in pointing at the couple. "He knows! He knows! He knows!"

For the first time during the entire trip the couple actually felt a bit concerned. "Who knows what about her?!" Elfman shouted, trying to take command of the situation. The armour kept laughing and started advancing towards them, still chanting the words. "ANSWER ME!"

Immediately all but the original armour set fell to the floor and the laughter stopped. The final set ascended into the air once more and proclaimed "THE GOD OF THUNDER CANNOT BE TRICKED!" before clattering on the ground like the rest. Needless to say this line made Ever and Elfman run screaming through the door, out of the gate and into the town.

"Oh god Ever he knows!" Elfman cried, increasing his pace. "He knows!"

Ever however was lost for words. She just kept running and imagining all of the pain and terror that was in store for them. "_This is how we die..._"

-_Meanwhile, back at the hotel-_

Laxus was rubbing his hands together and chuckling as he watched it all unfold via lacrima vision. "Excellent work Bickslow! You've truly outdone yourself this time!"

The doll magician panted but gave a thumbs up to his leader, who appeared before him as a thought projection. "Glad...*pant* you enjoyed it..."

"Well phase one has gone on without a hitch. Your reward is as much as you can drink at any local tavern. I'll pay the tab." The masked man shot up and began sprinting to the nearest pub, much to Laxus' amusement. Still grinning, he manipulated the controls to focus on Erza. "Oi you! Yeah you! The one with the awesome hair!"

"The final camera has just been set up." The red-head replied smiling. She did like being complimented after all, even if it was a strained one from a self-proclaimed dickhead. "Don't worry Laxus; you're not going to miss one second of this."

His grin widening, the Thunder God felt the beginning of a generous mood coming on. "You know what, for that work have this compliment for free; you're actually pretty cool."

"Don't be getting all mushy on me now," Came the response, although the smile on her face was hard to hide, "We still have a lot of work to do if we're going to pull this off. Men?!" Freed and Gray appeared on screen in the background and stood to attention. "Time to execute phase two of Operation 'nobody skips team building'!"

"I thought it was Operation 'Destroy All Romance'..." Gray grumbled but nodded at Erza's words.

Freed simply stood there teary eyed as he felt his idol watching him. "Don't worry Master Laxus, you can count on me to make your will reality!"

"Good, now get to it." With another flick of his hand he switch the focus to Natsu, Lucy, Juvia and Wendy. "Group three, how's everything coming along?"

"Juvia has never been so tired before in her life." The water mage mumbled, collapsing on the ground. Of course there was no sympathy to be gained from the dragon slayer at the other end, who simply glared at her until she forced herself to stand back up again.

"We're just waiting for the signal Mr Laxus." Wendy squeaked and waved at her friend. The mastermind felt obliged to awkwardly wave back but restrained himself. After all, rewards were to be given at the end of the performance, not during.

"That's what I like to hear. Keep on your toes then and await the signal."

Lucy looked puzzled. "But we have no idea what it even is! How will we know...?"

The thought projection laughed. "Ohh trust me, you'll know. It'll be a sign you'll remember until the day you die!" Lucy shuddered at that comment and was thankful that she wasn't the victim of this. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare for the Grand Finale. Later losers." Before he faded away into nothing again he turned and looked at Natsu. "Oh and nice touch with the fire."

The salmon haired teen beamed. "See! I can use my brain sometimes!" The projection just smirked and vanished. The real Laxus meanwhile simply panned out so that he could view the entire city from his comfortable chair in the downstairs of the hotel. He'd had one specially brought in from the nearby castle solely so that he had a 'throne' to watch this from, and by god was he loving that decision now.

"Look what I got." He turned his head round to see Cana holding a very large bottle of wine and several cardboard boxes. "It's vintage; almost two hundred years old. Found it in a local shop I passed on the way to pick up the pizza."

For once the Thunder God was overcome with emotion. "Cana...I think you are literally my favourite person in the world!" Rising from his 'throne', he walked over and looked his partner in the eyes. "There's only one thing that could make this..." As if she could read his mind, she set the bottle and boxes down on a nearby table before planting a smoking hot kiss on his lips. It lasted for a good half a minute before he broke it off and picked up the items. "I'd marry you right now if the church wasn't in use."

As the moved over to the huge seat, Cana glanced at the lacrima screen. "How much have I missed then?"

Laxus set everything down on the table in front of him before descending into his seat. "Only Act One. Everything is going exactly as planned."

Without removing her eyes from the screen, she slowly sat down on his lap. "I expected nothing less. Now..." She said, an evil grin spreading across her face, "Let the games begin!"

-_In a nearby flower shop-_

The breathless couple collapsed against the back wall of the shop. They had been running for a good five minutes before they realised that it was probably a better idea to hide in the city for the rest of their lives as opposed to risking it by fleeing.

"Ever..." Elfman panted, "You really think...that was about Laxus?"

"I...don't want to take any chances."

"Agreed!"

A large bang was heard outside and the two jumped, clutching onto each other for support. It was quickly followed by another, and another, and another.

"I-I should c-check it out..." Elfman stammered and shuffled towards the front desk. He received strange looks from the other customers but nobody bothered him. After all he did look like an upright bull most of the time with all of his muscles. Poking his head above the windowsill, he checked outside to see what all the commotion was about. "Oh its nothing to worry about. It's just a street performer doing tricks with fire and a crowd cheering." He then made the worst mistake of his life. Sighing in relief, the muscle man lay his head down on the windowsill and relaxed for all of 1.7 seconds before he felt a blinding flash of purple light assault his retinas and a crash of glass against his skin as he was thrown out of the window.

"WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!" Evergreen screeched as the floor flashed purple and she was propelled through the door. As she and her boyfriend clambered to their feet they met the gaze of the now gawking crowd.

"Oh god its them!"

"They're here in the same street as us?!"

"Run before we get caught up in the crossfire!"

The mass of people screamed and ran away, leaving the freaked out couple and the street performer alone.

"*Ahem*..." The street performer cleared his throat and stared at the two. "Whut are yeewo twooo doooing heeere?"

Natsu could hear Laxus groan and face palm at the bad acting, but luckily for him the couple he was tricking were too scared shitless to see through his ruse. "W-w-what's this about?" Ever stuttered out.

"Yooouuuu haaaave aaaangereeed teeeeh Goood ooof Thuuuunder!" Natsu proclaimed dramatically, raising both of his hands in the air. "Stttaaaayyyy aaaawaaaaay frooooom meeeee! Hiiiiiss waaaaarth iiiiisss teeeeerrrrifyyyinggiiing!" The couple took off like a shot down the road and Natsu breathed a huge sigh of relief. "_Now that it's over I can finally relax! Man I'm glad Laxus didn't hear most of that..._" As if on queue a giant thunderbolt descended from the sky and zapped him, making Natsu cry out in genuine pain and the couple in genuine horror. "_...yeah...I had that coming..._"

"WHAT THE FUCKING SHITTY GOD WHY?!" Elfman spat out before colliding with a very slender girl. "I'm sorry but we need to...Erza?!"

The redhead looked up at the man and started crying. "Ohhh Elfman..." She looked in a terrible state. Half of her face was bandaged up and she was wearing nothing but bloodied, tattered rags.

"Oh...oh god!" Evergreen looked down at the pitiful form of her rival and felt nothing but pure fear. "What happened to you?!"

"Laxus..." She groaned, "He's snapped. So many dead..." At this point the requip mage added in a few extra tears for effect. "Now he wants you two! I...I tried to stop him but...but..." She broke down once again before coughing heavily and then flopping to the ground.

"Erza..." Elfman started before he noticed how still she was. "ERZA?!" The cry was met with the roaring of thunder and the couple once again jumped into each others arms. Looking up, they spotted the sky. It was pitch black, filled with thunder clouds and lightening crackling around them. Then the rain began pouring. Well, it was a sheer blanket of water that descended on them, soaking the two to the very core. Just because the experience wasn't bad enough for Ever, Elfman chose this exact moment to literally shit himself, adding a smell of moist faeces to the air to 'lighten' the mood. "I...I am so sorry..."

"Lets just concentrate on surviving..." Ever spat, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "I thought you were a manly man anyway?"

"THE END IS NEIGH!" Came a cry from the end of the street and Ever suddenly decided to join her partner in the filled trouser department. Spinning around, a familiar face wandered up to the now ashamed and terrified duo.

"L-L-L-Lucy?"

The blonde kept walking and screaming until Elfman caught her by the arm. "The church! The church is safe! Gotta get to the church!"

Picking up the two women Elfman half ran, half waddled towards the church. "Tell me where it is!" He yelled and the small blonde girl in his arms pointed towards it. She had to restrain herself from vomiting at the smell of course but the looks on their faces were worth it. As the man waddled up the stone steps she wondered how exactly the lightening mage would repay them all. "_Hopefully by recording the entire thing and sending it to me..._"

"We made it!" Evergreen cried as the doors were kicked in and Elfman leapt into his new safe house. She quickly jumped down and barricaded the door shut. "Right...all we have to do now is wait in here for the storm to pass...and pray he doesn't check for us in here..."

_-Back at the hotel-_

"Well Cana I don't know about you, but today's been magical for me!" Laxus tilted his head down and smiled at his partner. "Food, wine, dickery and of course..."

She cut him off with a quick kiss then sighed. "It's about time you ended this isn't it? They've been in the church for almost two hours now."

Laxus returned the sigh. "True but I don't really want to move from this spot." The lacrima vision flickered on and an angry Lucy appeared. "Wait, how'd you get out..."

"Gemini." She snapped and glared at him. "Now hurry your ass up and end this! I actually want to have some time to myself this weekend rather than helping you with your stupid schemes!"

The blonde man laughed. "Bitch please; you love it so don't even lie." Cracking his neck, he shifted Cana off his lap and reluctantly stood up. "...but I guess you have a point. Poor Wendy'll probably be getting tired from all the magic she's using."

"Finally!" Lucy folded her arms and huffed. "I mean what the hell have you even being doing for the past two ho-...ohhhh." The grin said it all. That and the fact that he was completely naked, something she hadn't noticed until he'd stood up. "I...erm...you get down here soon or I'll pecs you! I-I mean kill abs. You! You're gonna die penis! GAAAAH!" She screamed and tried to cover her now beetroot face. His grin didn't help.

"If you'd prefer I could just come down like this?" He offered, his voice low and teasing. "Although Cana would probably..."

"Yes Cana would be very disappointed if you did! And you know what that means mister!"

Laxus shuddered. There were two possible meanings and neither were pleasant. "Fine fine I'll get the appropriate attire for this then. See you in a minute idiot."_  
_

"But you're half way across town..." Lucy started before the lacrima feed cut off. Looking around she spotted Gray who had just arrived on the scene.

"So if it time for me to cool things down?"

Looking inside the window at the quivering trio the celestial mage frowned. "Gray...isn't this a bit harsh?"

Gray stared at her. "Oh so this is harsh but distributing nude pictures of me and Juvia around the entirety of Fiore is a-ok?! Just get out of the way and let me get some justice."

Sneaking up to the windows, he started to create a thin layer of ice on them that crept all the way to the top. Inside he could hear the added screams of Evergreen telling her lover about how even nature itself has been fucked over. "_He he, I think I'm enjoying this far too much. Kinda see why Laxus does it now..._" A huge clap of thunder almost caused him jump through the window, but luckily he was able to restrain himself. "_He's already here?!"_

Right on time as always, a large bolt of lightening descended from the heavens and into the church. The trio inside jumped and scrambled away from the figure that appeared in the middle of the room. "I HAVE COME FOR YOUR SOULS!" The Thunder God had of course went all out with his dress and was cloaked in a large, 'bloodstained' black cloak complete with matching gauntlets, armoured shoes and ripped shirt/trousers combo. He looked truly terrifying.

"OHMYGODLAXUSIWANNALIVEANDOHGODI...!" Ever started before fainting. Elfman on the other hand stood up, tried to run but went face first into a stone wall, knocking him unconscious and causing Laxus to start crying with laughter.

"Good job guys!" He announced before walking to meet his girlfriend who was standing at the doors waiting for him, "This is officially the best thing I ever did part it!"

-_After the fun weekend-_

"Laxus you've fucked me over yet again!" Makarov yelled at his still smirking grandson. "Do you know how much their therapy is going to cost me?!"

"Not as much as the damages to the town I bet."

"Oh yeah and then there's that! What the very fuck?!"

"Did you see their faces though...?"

"Yes and it was hilarious, but you know what isn't?! THE FUCKING BILLS!"

"Ahh christ I'll pay for them all myself." He replied, brushing the comments aside. "It was totally worth it. I can't believe it went viral so quickly as well..." He started laughing again at the thought of their faces and all the shirts that were now being made because of it.

Suddenly the wall of the guild exploded and a towering Gildarts entered. "Can't you use the door for once you idiot?!" Makarov yelled but suddenly went quiet upon seeing the look on his face. "I...er...need to go feed my table..."

As his grandfather sprinted out of the kill zone, Laxus turned to face the glowering crash mage. "So how can I help you?"

"Deleted scenes."

"...what?"

"Deleted scenes Laxus."

"I have no idea what you're..."

"DELETED SCENES!" He roared before punching the lightening mage right in the face.

In the background Gray sat grinning. "I take it you know what's going on then?" Lucy asked.

"Ohh yep." He responded smugly. "Let's just say that someone may have left the lacrima vision on while they were watching. And lets propose that someone took all of the footage and went through it to find some rather...embarrassing scenes. Now humour me some more; what if, shall we say, someone distributed those scenes to every seedy place in town in the hopes that a certain playboy would find them. That'd be pretty crazy right?"

Lucy looked at the scene unfolding before her eyes and remembered back to when she had called the now almost broken blonde. "Yeah...I think I get the idea. Jesus Gray you're becoming addicted!"

The ice magician winked at her and began plotting his next evil plan. Meanwhile Laxus had failed in his third attempt to stab himself in the face with the bone that was now protruding from his left leg. "You psychopath what the hell?!"

"DELETED! FUCKING! SCENES!" Was his only response before the real beating began. Once again Makao shit himself. He knew he was next. And that's how the romantic weekend away ended.

_A/N: Sorry this took so long but I've been up to my ears in assessments. That and this is by far the longest thing I've ever written. I didn't plan it to be this long but by god the words, they just kept happening. Hope you all enjoyed it :) Read, review and recommend :)_


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